The Five of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in a crossroads. I am not alone. I intend to let go of despair or nostalgia and I choose to make peace with loss or express mourning in order to move forward. I release the rut of regret and the fear of tomorrow to make way for forgiveness, pleasure, beauty, and hope. I am empowered by my conscience and my gift is forgiveness.
Â
Ok you got me this was my Tarot ready for today lol smiley face 🙂 I heard a quote last nite that I absolutely loved as well as could relate to which was “Sometimes the ONLY way to keep going straight is to make a left turn” (hard left in my case) and then I got this Tarot reading today. Truth is I really needed these things pointed out to me yet again. As often…
Those of you who know me know that I am not a very religious person. Don’t get me wrong I am not an atheist. I do believe in God. I am just not a church goer who feels I must pray every night and go to church every Sunday to have Gods blessing. I know with all my heart and soul that he exists and that he has a purpose and a plan for us all.
I am at a crossroad in my life where as much as I know in my heart that he has a plan and purpose for me…I’m beginning to wonder what that is. I am not changing my belief that everything happens for a reason and with every choice we are given a lesson. I am just not sure where my road is headed or even why it is the way it is.
Some of you may have figured out by now that I am very opinionated but as I explained when I started this blog my entries are based on my life experiences and what I have gained and also lost from these experiences.
I explained in a recent post ” To blog or not to blog” that when I initially started my entries I had a very clear and focused mind but due to recent life changing events I don’t feel as clear now.
My focus remains though and my entries are still reflections of my experiences. Take ” single vs companionship” for example. I have spent most of my life up until a year ago, in a committed relationship so my opinion in this subject is very biased and I have just realized that by getting other opinions on the subject. These other opinions do not change my point of…
We’ve all heard the phrase ” cleaning out my closet” but most of us may feel this metaphor means to rid all the ” skeletons” in your closet.
I guess it really depends how those skeletons are effecting your life in general. Obviously if you feel you need to release them so that you can feel less guilt then so be it and the truth is we all have skeletons but I am not referring to them.
As I’ve mentioned in earlier entries I am at a crossroad in my life. At this point its either sink or swim. I have spent a great portion of my life with my head just below the water where I can see the surface and get my nose and mouth out just enough to breath…treading water so to speak.
Now that I have made what I consider to be a sound decision to…
We’ve all heard the definition of insanity…” Repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”.
I am sure like me a lot of people have done just that and considered their own efforts or actions to be insane but yet you will do it again.
We are creatures of habit who do not conform well to change therefore we continue by force of habit to do the same thing over and over and expect that something different will come if it.
My personal opinion at this point in my life is that our unfortunate trait of habit simply makes us ignorant. Although deep down we know we are repeating our actions because we want something different to happen this time we are ignorant because we just don’t know any better.
This is a lot like ” you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” well of…
This one of those times that I am just writing to write. I need a release. My emotions are all outta of place. I am so moody. Happy one minute, very unsatisfied the next. Most people may chalk this up to Life…well here I am again with my life hurting.
What do you do when everything hurts?
My fibro is acting up badly only because I went a week without my meds. I work and I work hard. I am currently the front end manager at TJMaxx. I am over 9 cashiers and that is the least of it. I love my job. I am good at it. Something is missing though. What you might ask???
Well do to poor choices on my part I am deeply in arrears on my child support, and that is being modest. I work to pay my child support. This is great for the kids, but holding me back. Working nearly 30hrs per week to bring home not even enough to be nessecities for us. I am feeling like a failure once again.
I have an amazing husband. I have amazing family and support. I miss my kids. I miss and need a car. I need so many things. These things will get us right, in our own place with a car and our own bills. Funny I want my own bills right??? Or is it??? Having all of these things would allow us to move forward and my babies would be with us during my times.
I am not really sure the point in this blog. I guess I am just feeling lost and trying to find myself once again. The first month on my meds again I did very well. But only 1 week without and it put me down. I have to work my way back up now with my strength that I can’t seem to find at the moment.
Holidays are hard for me already, they always have been. I come from a divorced family. I am divorced and remarried. As a child holidays were amazing for me. We had big family dinners, “Italian style” and lots of decorations. We laughed and the air stayed full of excitement.
Well as the years passed, life as I knew changed pretty rapidly. We moved from NY to GA, the first 5yrs or so our family would fly down and visit for the holidays. They my grandparents got to old to travel like that, etc. Then came valentines of 1996. My parents divorced. I have my beautiful baby girl Alex who was 3 months old. I used to go to my parents house every weekend and was clothes and they would get to see me and Alex. Then when the affair/divorce happened all that stopped.
Needless to say holidays have always been rough for me. My moods are awful. Now you add the struggle to the holidays. I have not had money or the means to get Christmas for my family in 4yrs now. I am at a loss once again. I believe its time for my bended knee prayer…
I am at this point down on bended knee. Please don’t take me as ungrateful. I am completely grateful for all my friends and family that have been there and here for me in a time if need but I can only wonder how long this time of need will last. The struggle…the heartache…the sickness…the pain…how much longer?
What is my lesson Lord? I beg of you on bended knee please give me guidance. Give me strength…give me willingness…show me the way.
This struggle has gone on more then a year and it seems with each helpfulness comes another struggle…another bump in the road.
I know I must love myself to love others and be happy with myself to be happy with others but it seems so hard at times. I am so grateful and thankful for all that you give to me Lord. My children…my life…my beating heart…but
Please Lord I am on bended knee begging for you to show me the way.
I know I’ve made some choices that negatively affected others and in the long run myself but Lord haven’t I made some good choices as well?
Here I am on bended knee asking you to show me the way…
I am only 37yrs wise, but at times…most of the time actually…I feel so much older. Looking at the people around me that truly don’t have a clue. Maybe they do have a clue, but that only makes them more pathetic. I sit, watch, look and listen. Those around me would assume that I am oblivious to all that is going on around me. Well to my benefit, they are very wrong.
Or is this to my benefit? I am a loyal, kind hearted person by nature. I am a nurturer. All that I have ever fought for in my life is truth. Truth is the foundation of any relationship. I use the word relationship loosely, but that is because any encounter you have with someone, whether it be your parent, child, spouse, best friend, acquaintance;
Is in fact a relationship. The ongoing relationships that I as well as those around me have Never Cease to Amaze me.
As I sit, watch, look and listen I become disgusted. The room is full of lies, rumors, and deceit. This room holds in it a cozy fireplace, and family that is supposed to love each other with all that they are and could ever be. Instead the vast meaning of family is diminished by the greed and need to be the center.
The problem is, I am always me. I am always the same. I give and give with loyalty and trust. Being myself begins to hurt and cut deep. People that should care don’t. I am a person with many wounds and a scarred heart. To cross me or those that I love is not wise.
The Beautiful Mind of a Creative Soul 
Written
on December 2, 2014